May 25, 2017

No Idea

I got a smiley face with its tongue sticking out partially to the side earlier this morning. I don't even know what it meant and I (perhaps foolishly) responded with affection. I miss the companionship and touch of a woman, and I've realized that I can't just have it or force it with anyone. I don't enjoy meaningless sex, and tend to only have it after I'm quite drunk. I've got to be careful in these coming months.

Maybe there was a flicker of something at the start of this when E and I first met, but it seems to have been only a flicker. Sure, there were subsequent dates, but I don't feel wanted. I don't feel interesting. I don't feel like she's really up for getting to know me. I sit here and agonize waiting for a text to reveal some sort of notion, some sort of disposition towards whatever this is. But I get nada.

Still hearing from the Ex on a daily basis through texts. She's moved away now, and I started to curb our personal/physical interactions several weeks before she left. Couldn't fake it or force it. I was ready to move on. I know that in time the frequency of contact will decrease. She will find someone else and that person will be the object of most of her attention. And that is exactly how it will happen. And it must be allowed to happen.

At the going rate I'm not likely to enter a relationship any time soon, as much as I feel like I want one. And that's the problem, too. I seem to easily fall for any semi-attractive and smart woman. Well, not fall, but I feel the desire to want to get to know them more, see if maybe there is anything there. Perhaps it's a factor of my age. Reaching the mid-thirties now and my time is running out. I don't know if I want kids, but I'd love a several-decades-long adventure with a woman who I feel is akin to a soulmate, if I believed in it.

I've never had something close to that. I thought I did, but my own ego and selfishness prevented me from seeing the truth. My own worst enemy.

Still, I hope to hear from E before five. Maybe she'll ask me over for snuggles, or hell, even out for a drink. I'd prefer snuggles though. I thought this was starting out as an exploration to possible relationship, but am feeling instead that a superficial friendship is all that's desire. I suppose I will have to ask sometime soon.