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May 25, 2017

No Idea

I got a smiley face with its tongue sticking out partially to the side earlier this morning. I don't even know what it meant and I (perhaps foolishly) responded with affection. I miss the companionship and touch of a woman, and I've realized that I can't just have it or force it with anyone. I don't enjoy meaningless sex, and tend to only have it after I'm quite drunk. I've got to be careful in these coming months.

Maybe there was a flicker of something at the start of this when E and I first met, but it seems to have been only a flicker. Sure, there were subsequent dates, but I don't feel wanted. I don't feel interesting. I don't feel like she's really up for getting to know me. I sit here and agonize waiting for a text to reveal some sort of notion, some sort of disposition towards whatever this is. But I get nada.

Still hearing from the Ex on a daily basis through texts. She's moved away now, and I started to curb our personal/physical interactions several weeks before she left. Couldn't fake it or force it. I was ready to move on. I know that in time the frequency of contact will decrease. She will find someone else and that person will be the object of most of her attention. And that is exactly how it will happen. And it must be allowed to happen.

At the going rate I'm not likely to enter a relationship any time soon, as much as I feel like I want one. And that's the problem, too. I seem to easily fall for any semi-attractive and smart woman. Well, not fall, but I feel the desire to want to get to know them more, see if maybe there is anything there. Perhaps it's a factor of my age. Reaching the mid-thirties now and my time is running out. I don't know if I want kids, but I'd love a several-decades-long adventure with a woman who I feel is akin to a soulmate, if I believed in it.

I've never had something close to that. I thought I did, but my own ego and selfishness prevented me from seeing the truth. My own worst enemy.

Still, I hope to hear from E before five. Maybe she'll ask me over for snuggles, or hell, even out for a drink. I'd prefer snuggles though. I thought this was starting out as an exploration to possible relationship, but am feeling instead that a superficial friendship is all that's desire. I suppose I will have to ask sometime soon.

May 23, 2017

Future is Slow Coming

The situation I'm in right now kind of reminds me of one of my first crushes, or girlfriends, if you can call it that when you're in the 7th grade. It was the most gorgeous of girls in the school at the time, and being a small school, I found myself among the most "popular" kids.

Lots of boys liked her, but somehow she decided that she'd be my girlfriend. Really, she seemed to like a friend of mine a lot more than she liked me; at least that's what the actions said. I remember later on asking the guy, "You like her, right?" He did, and that didn't bother me any. Made more sense for them to be a couple given how well they seemed to get along with each other. I remember there was one date with this gal, we went to the movies in a large group. I remember she didn't even want to hold my hand.

I felt like I was assigned a dance partner who didn't want to dance with me.

Similar to where I'm at right now with a woman I've become interested in. The previous post alludes to an incident that has only added to my confusion. Ahhh, hope.

I was so excited to finally meet someone outside of my social circle who seemed to be interested in me as well. Seemed.

I just don't get it.

May 20, 2017

I guess I know why but I don't

Is it freedom I've given?

Or granted or allowed or whatever.

I think it was like 10 days or more maybe when we planned to spend the night together tonight, and less since it seemed like the whole day was free and we could start whenever.

But the choice was yours and that's totally cool. I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel or not feel knowing that the choice you made simply didn't involve me.

And it crushes me to think about the sort of situation I'd need to be in in order to do that to someone, and the answer is it'd be my chicken-shit response to someone who I didn't actually want to hang out with.

So.

I get it.

I'm lame and just not that exciting and pretty much unworthy of anyone's attention or second look or love. Like I really like, feel stupid for thinking this was anything at all. I just wouldn't do that to anyone and I am really hurting trying to figure out why someone did it to me.

You don't even know me. And you decided that based on what you do know that I'm not worth your time.

I guess that's it then.

Got it.