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Mar 14, 2017

Weird Times

Seems like nothing but those as of late.

Last week I went over this space, pulled in some of my writings from the in-between years and placed them here. Part of that entailed re-reading much of my older pieces when I was involved more heavily in creative nonfiction. It was quite an eye-opening task. It seems like I used to look at the world with a humble reverence, if not steeped in a bit of uncertainty and longing, but man the outlook seemed more positive up to a certain point.

But in truth, the things that still plague me plagued me then. I'd like to shift to a return to the old mode of thinking, if for little reason other than to remember, and to perhaps look at things through a lens of beauty when I'm feeling surrounded by things that aren't so great. I felt more in tune with things around me then, more in sync with my surroundings. But there is no magic wand for these things. Only heavy lifting.

The ex-gf who's more like a girlfriend is moving away in two months. Not going to get into the details contained in the first half of that sentence. They don't matter anyway. She's moving 4-5 hours away, and then she's either heading out of state after summer or somewhere in-state to a larger city. I had a thought at lunch, and I'll pose it as a question here: am I great at destroying beautiful things?

Now I struggle with cutting off our relationship sooner, or waiting til the ultimate cut-off date when she really leaves. I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like it can't grow until she's actually gone. Because as long as she's here, I'm going to want to be with her, but given she's not truly here for long, I'm lost.

I really would've liked to be her boyfriend again. I feel like we got to a nice place after we took a step back from the relationship. Can't help but think of the what-if: what if I just pressed her harder and agreed to work on it instead of refusing to bend after she walked away (for the nth time)? Now she's thanking me for the time we had because it's helped her face her demons, has made her stronger and helped her realize what she needs to do.

This is all great, and genuine, though the turnaround surprises me a bit. And fucking ironic that when I survey the landscape, I still feel lost. Maybe not as lost as 18 months ago. The road ahead will be taxing.

The band is struggling with the EP. Somehow came out of our last mixing session than a less-than-ideal result, something that shocked and dismayed us once we listened to tracks on a few sets of speakers. Also having issues deciding on one song title as well as the order of the songs. Sometimes I can feel the will ebb from my being.