Feb 16, 2017

Carrying It

Man I'm still carrying around a lot of pain from my youth.

Was just listening to a story on the moth featuring a guy who as a kid lived with his friend's family for a period of time. It reminded me of the time that I lived with a friend and his family for a few months. Man, it was only a few months. Feels like longer that. Feels like it should've been.

I went there after the fallout I had with my mom; I'm sure I've written about that incident somewhere. Anyway, lived in their basement for a few months. Probably my presence there was just...I don't know. Whatever happened to "bud?"

Crazy I'm tearing up as I write this, 16 years after the incident. I was in a fragile state. Dad expectedly moved out, unexpectedly shaking up with another woman right away. Mom had a mental breakdown, which I took the brunt of and got hauled away in cuffs for.

I don't even remember when I left there for sure. But one night the friend and I were flirting with some girls on the phone (pre-text days, really) and we decided we were going to sneak out to go to their place. Something the friend had done on his own on occasion. It entailed slipping the car out of the garage. However he did it before, perhaps it was when his dad wasn't home. His dad heard, came out outside as we were backing out of the drive.

He wasn't happy. We'd recently talked about transitioning me out of their place and likely to my dad's, if I remember correctly. Prior to this, the timetable was weeks. He asked me that night, "When are you moving out?" anger and frustration in his voice and face. "Soon," I said, or something along those lines. I think he said something like "how about Monday?" which was like two or three days away.

I think the friend felt bad, but what could he do. Couple days later I was out of their lives and really didn't have much contact with them sense. Felt very much unwanted. But that act of sneaking out was probably the last straw. Never got disciplined for anything before. One time his dad was angry with me because I was joking about pain meds I was taking for a soccer injury. This was during the Brett Farve controversy so the climate was ripe. Just felt unwanted, unsupported.

Thinking about that time still makes me sad. Lots of not good things happened in that time period. I maybe could have come out of it better if I were smarter at the time, or if I had more sound guidance. I was essentially parentless from 17 on. Guardian-less. Hurts to not have many elders you can relate with and luck up to, how seem to be trying to understand you.