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Dec 27, 2016

750 #18

Welp. Missed a couple of days due to the holiday. Wasn't really too busy, just didn't think much about it. Now it is Tuesday, since yesterday we had off for the holiday. Which means open mic night. I'm quite indifferent at the thought right now, and I'm looking forward to having next week off. Not having to worry about doing anything on a Tuesday night finally. I suppose it was the beginning of November when I took two and a half weeks off due to Blizzcon and the election.

Gosh I miss California and the space we occupied while we were out there for those five days. Paradise, truly. True fucking paradise. I'm listening to my Spotify playlist and I remember jamming to this song on one of the mornings after I got out of the shower. Can picture the place perfectly, the pool, the hot tub, the weather, the friends. Gosh. Nothing else was even going on in the world at that time. During that week. At least it didn't feel like it. Everything that mattered centered around 35,000 nerds celebrating their culture, and then, zooming in, seven friends and their adventures.

Man, if I could figure out how to be that happy all of the time. I swear I have so much energy when I'm feeling good in general. Not that it's a feat, but I can drink beer without flinching, can sleep only a handful of hours and wake up feeling incredible. It's amazing how much attitude can do for a person. I wish this keyboard wasn't so loud. I want to get one of those keyboards that's like super silent. Macbooks do a pretty good job with this; at least the clicks are a lot softer, more aesthetically pleasing.

So here's the deal, not even halfway through and I've gotta hammer this out soon before the smokers return from break. Of course, the flipside of typing faster is typing louder, so what can you do.

So not that battle.net distracted me, or my other chat programs, but now that I'm simply doubled down to make sure I'm 100% caught up so I can tackle things as they roll across my desk, I'm literally there. There are a few odds and ends to tie up, but right now all of those tasks are dependent on the work of other people here. Not sure exactly what to do with this now. I literally have one email sitting in my inbox right now, the one about the web service we are looking into. I will likely give that guy a call tomorrow to learn exactly what's up with the whole thing. To me it looks a lot more bare bones than I think the boss is bargaining for. Then again, the price seems about right to me to build a basic shell and then allow CMS, but again, I didn't see any mention of a CMS whatsoever.

Thursday's the night I'm supposed to go to the house of my job contact. I'm debating either to cancel on her tomorrow, or simply play the sick card. As the days have gone on and I've lent more thought to the idea of this position, I feel mostly dread. I don't know if that's fear simply getting the best of me. But when I envision where I want to go, generally, does this take me closer? I'm not sure. The money is attractive, but also makes me feel a little sick. The responsibilities, the way it would affect all the things I currently love; not excited about that.

Position will go live early next week; I hope they just get crushed with badass resumes so that I don't even need to bother heading in. I really do want to get into a position where I can help people and then move up in pay over time. I don't know if answering people's question about where they can get our cheese constitutes as the type of helping I want to do. I'm not even sure I "like" the way their cheese is made. I've heard many unflattering things. I don't feel good about "selling" a product people don't need. That's the conflicting part, among other things.

I'm going to let it sit another day and likely made a game time decision. Don't know if there's a better way to go about it. As others said, going through the process wouldn't hurt anything; provide more experience if nothing else. But what of the small chance they actually pick me? Ugh.

Dec 23, 2016

750 #17

Happy Friday.

Let's see. Primary topic on the brain is this potential new job. I'm not very excited about, and what I am excited should never (in my opinion) be the sole reason to go for a job: the money. The money is a life-changer. But as I imagine everything else about the job, nothing jumps out at me. It's also not that I feel under-qualified, I KNOW I'm under-qualified. I've been in this industry before, seen a bit of how it works. I went through the beginnings of the corporate interview process with Mercury, and that wasn't fun. I know how they do things---they take this shit seriously. Paying someone that salary is likely looked at (ideally) as a million-dollar investment. They want that person to be good, to know their shit; I would think more that than looking for someone who can learn.

I just don't feel adequate or strong at a base level right now. Life is still in pieces, really. I would really appear before this panel as somewhat of a fraud. Yes, I did spend the three years in advertising, but that feels like so long ago. I feel in this instance I need to sell myself so hard, when other people's resume's will do all the selling needed. They say they're in need of a writer most of all. How good of a writer am I though? For brands? Marketing was never my forte, and they're going to need someone like that. I'm contemplating at this point contacting my person there to list my concerns and reservations at this point. I don't want to disappoint her or let her down. And I don't want her to even go to bat for me if my heart isn't in it. And if I were her, my feelings right now would be red flags; you don't want to have to sell this job to a person who is making less than half of what you'd pay him.

I feel like I need guidance on this, but at the same time, my gut is sending mixed signals, but stronger ones of flight. I don't know what to do. I suppose perhaps I should do some meditating...try it for once, and let this ruminate for the weekend. I must have a decision on Monday, whether or not I'm even going to meet with my contact. I suppose the meeting itself wouldn't hurt. At minimum, I'd get some free food and drinks and have the ability to catch up and have fun with some old friends. Con of course is I'll miss part or all of raid night, but I suppose taking this job might also require the acceptance that I won't be able to be as involved with the guild and gaming in general as I have been. Perhaps many of the things I'm used to. I suppose that's it. It'd be a bit of a routine changer, too. In fact, there'd be less routine in general. I'd be more beholden to my work life, which would take up more of my free time, but potentially the free time I have could be more meaningful. I mean, I could take trips, buy myself new clothes for the first time in over a decade. Live a comfortable life.

But I still don't know if that will be fulfilling. I don't know how to be. I'm still trying to figure out who I am...and what it even means to be something. I need to learn to let go of the rules. Of preconceived notions that things or people need to be defined as a certain way. This job would be life-changing. Maybe that's part of what gets me. I'm so damn close to something like this...but yet so far away. So close, the closest I'll likely ever get thanks to my friend who wants me out there. Will never have an opportunity to get an interview like this again. Looks like I'll have to trim the beard and find a proper outfit that's not too corporate but nice enough and still me. I'm not feeling a suit coat. I suppose that is something I can figure out and we can work on next week, assuming I take the meeting on Thursday. Things are dead slow today at the office. I finished my to-do list early in the AM so have mostly been checking my work from yesterday. I think last year boss let us out an hour or so early. Perhaps we will get that again this year. No bonus, of course.

Dec 22, 2016

750 #16

Here we go!

Chilling here at the 10am break. Smokers just went out so I'm going to take advantage of the time for now. Been a really busy morning at work. Catching up on the 100s of items the VP put up on Ebay without telling me. Most of them include price changes and picture updates which means there's a lot of photo editing and then the changes being implemented across up to three of our sites. Morning went by quickly at least.

Raid tonight, very much looking forward to it. ToV just got some pretty significant nerfs that will aid us greatly when it comes to moving through Odyn quickly, which will hopefully mean a dispatch of Guarm quickly after, leaving us some time for Helya. I don't have any doubts about our ability to finish up ToV before the Nighthold is released in January.

Still pretty freaked out about the potential new job opportunity. There are things appealing about it, but at the base line, something about it doesn't feel right...doesn't feel "me." The money would be a lifestyle changer, as I mentioned before. I'm just not sure I can hang in that environment. All of the work I did in that realm feels like so long ago. I'm not holding my breath. I think what's holding me back the most is the feeling that the whole process will be a waste of my and their time. But my contact is pushing for it; we're meeting next Thursday so hopefully I can gain a bit more insight as to what's really going on there.

Yikes, that feels like a lot of words and I'm only 1/3 through with five minutes left on this break. Well, I suppose I could just save and do it on my next break, but I'd really like to hammer this out right now.

Band's jams last night were once again productive. Trying to zero in on song structure for a couple of songs, tightening up other aspects. Playing with the guide of a metronome has really helped our sound, injected new energy into some of the tracks we've been playing for years. Also having some success resurrecting songs we'd shelved completely years ago. Finding ourselves wondering why we abandoned them in the first place.

I guess it's a good thing about this site that they require you to hit your word goal before you are allowed to save. Just some days it's difficult to come up with material. Even if it is just rambling about life events.

Speaking of, roommate's friend is back staying over at the house. Not sure if I did mention that at all before. Apparently GF's kids don't want him there now. Comes full circle: I realize this guy is the guy who was going through a divorce when I first came to the roommate's last year. He got a girlfriend fast (like I did), moved in with her (didn't do that), and apparently couldn't reign in the asshole-ness. A drunk and a jerk apparently. Not doing me any favors when it comes to personal space. He's a generous guy, it seems, but that little room I have at the roommates's is all I have in life right now when it comes to privacy, and by extension, the house itself. It's not a big place, and having 3 guys in there, one of them living on the couch, kinda sucks.

Other than that, totally not ready for Christmas. Not many presents to buy, but still have to secure half of them. Will probably muster up and take care of it over lunch and/or tonight after work before raid. Also need to get the package together for Grimm and send that out no later than Monday. Beginning to be curious about shipping costs to Canada. Probably cost me half of what the presents cost, but no worries. The guild a great thing and the Secret Santa activity is something that just reinforces our bonds, allows newer members to participate in something a bit more intimate.

I haven't been dedicating as much time to the guild due to RL being busy and other games taking precedence. Still things are running smoothly and our numbers have remained consistent really since the beginning of the xpac. Have lost of few here and there, but continued to gain. While recruiting has slowed down a bit now, which is probably a sign of the holidays, I'm expecting to see some more apps in the weeks and months following the new year.

Dec 21, 2016

750 #15

Free Trial for this site ends in 9 days. I think I may move off-site to Google docs; keep up with the practice. Not sure I can justify another monthly fee for something, even if it is small. Though I would say the site has been beneficial to me in that I've written far more words than I would've written if I didn't have the aid. I think at minimum I will make a donation; I'm not even sure if I'm able to export the content I have here to somewhere else. I would like to keep writing, perhaps just be a bit more focused at some point in the future.

Lots happened yesterday.

First of all, the ex-gf seems to have calmed down. She's definitely got some emotional problems that strike the right nerves for me, so I need to be cognizant of that. She apparently just needs to freak out from time to time. I feel bad for her. I get the crushing pressure but thankfully I don't allow it to affect other people around me, or try to control or manipulate them. She really is a nice woman.

Haven't spoken a word to the accountant beyond my morning greeting today. Net traffic is being monitored, but that's fine; I'll just browse during my two "10-15" minute breaks I'm allowed per day when the ladies are out smoking. Tit for tat. I hate this work environment so much. I've only ever gotten my job done here, they have no idea about the time I've spent outside of work, after hours, changing little things on the website, the easy updates I can do from home....nope. That's all overlooked or ignored because the accountant's got an axe to grind. Why? Probably boredom and/or self-loathing.

If they don't trust the guy who makes their website run...I don't know what to tell you. Got about 5 minutes left on this break though, so gotta move quick with the rest of these words. Halfway through. Now boss's son came into my office to chat games. Nobody has a problem when work is interrupted through organic distractions, like extra smoke breaks, guys from the shop coming up to hang out in people's offices, or family members coming by and wasting time. Nobody bats an eye over the VP posting stuff on Facebook all day long. Ahhhh, but the computer policy is not equally applied. If your last name is on the building, you're good. If you're the accountant, the controller, you're good. The rest of us lackeys are targets.

Anyway, I'm going to have to rambo these last few minutes. Too many distractions during this break. Going to grab JJ's for lunch to day as per the Wednesday ritual.

Ooh, last bit: got a call last night from a headhunter at a local company who wants me to apply for a position that will be released soon. I seem wayyyy underqualified, but they're pushing me to apply and told me unequivocally that I would be the candidate she pushed for. Kind of blows my mind how some of this stuff works. The salary is MORE THAN double what I make now, plus the potential for a $7,000 yearly bonus.

Almost pooped my pants when I heard the salary. Hours will be weird/wonky requiring early AM and later PM social media checks. Beyond that, this job is over my head but I'm confident it's something I will be able to learn. Ok, 200 to go.

Going to meet with my contact next week to go over industry best practices to hopefully give me a bit of an edge in the interview process. Even though I'd be reporting directly to her, the interview process is via committee, so at the end of the day it's them I'll have to convince. And I will probably be one of the most underqualified candidates to apply for the job. The position and salary alone tell me that this will get apps from all over the country. It commands a scary title with equally scary implications, specifically work weeks longer than 40 hours. Though she did mention the company promotes a great work/life balance.

So we will see. If it goes through it would be an instant lifestyle change. I'll get a nice apartment and probably a new car and wardrobe, and start saving up for a house. It could actually end up being like, my career. My biggest reservation is the lack of desire or hesitance at joining the corporate world. There's still something about it that doesn't feel right to me.

Dec 20, 2016

750 #14

Well. Couple of interesting developments. Writing will have to go slow today. One sentence at a time, no machine-gunning this one in today. Need to be deliberate. Need to give the tar-bag sea-witch next door something to latch her crusted, failing ears onto. So there may be some distractions, but they aren't true distractions. No. I am rather focused right now. This may organically stretch past 750 words.

It has been an interesting past few days. I'll get to that soon. And I figured that returning to the office today would signal a return to the mind-numbing routine. Sure, it is still mind-numbing but not routine today. Not routine, with an extra dose of thank-you-I'd-like to rip your head off now. Cunt bitch, if you're reading this, hi!

Ended up calling into work on Friday due to stomach bug. Actually, I can put whatever I want here so I'll say that I called in to called in because this place is a drag. Further evidenced by this morning's revelations. Ended up calling in on Monday too because whatever I had hadn't run its full course. I wonder if the weekend and the weather took more out of me than I realized.

Mainly gamed over the weekend, a bit of a waste. Wanted to get more Xmas stuff done but the weather kept me inside Friday and Saturday. Will have to take care of that this week. Sadly waiting til the last minute once again. I had such bold aspirations to have all this shit done by November. Hah. One of these years.

The she-witch is out of her office at the moment (I'm pretty sure) which means that I can hammer away a little more incessantly now. Well, for a little bit anyway.

Backing up, Sunday night the ex-gf and I had a pretty big fight because she's been deluding herself this whole time that we've been together since she dumped me. Although honestly having some comfort within the confines of a relationship feels pretty good right now. Everything else in life feels so shaky right now. Even if the relationship was quite shaky too.

It continued into Monday when finally things calmed down once she realized that yes, indeed she did break up with me AFTER she had stated she wanted a break. So who knows what now. She's calmed down. I'm a bit rattled but also tired and defeated. I don't know what's next. With anything really.

Event tonight. Totally not looking forward to it. In fact this morning when I woke and realized what day it was I felt the dread that's normally reserved for work. I think this is an indication that the time I spend is no longer worth the money I receive. If it were getting the support I feel it should draw, that'd be a different story. But this is mainly getting drunk and watching the same 3-4 people play every week and then us trying to fill all the time left over.

So I came into work this morning to find the PC policy taped to one of my screens with several passages highlighted which I'm assuming means those are the ones I've been violating: unauthorized programs (battle.net et al), chat programs (discord, et al), maintaining blogs (not sure how they can determine that). I didn't read through it, just crumpled it up and placed it in its rightful place in the trash. I assumed it was biggie or junior at first, so emailed them right away explaining why I use said programs at work.

Then our tech pulled me into his office and informed me that it was the accountant who was in my office yesterday snooping around, deleting, and apparently printing stuff off to give to my boss. I've actually seen this act a couple of times before; it's not that I was foolish or careless---I've done nothing different since I started here. I guess there was a little part of me that thought I was insulated from her attacks based on the rapport we had. I was wrong. Turns out I'm the new target. Not totally unwarranted based on the amount of output coming from my end, but still unnecessary.

It's not my fault my boss hired me full-time to do a job that could be done in 15 hours per week. It's not my fault he hasn't noticed that and kept me around. So yeah, I keep my sanity in my own way. Nothing I've done (or haven't done) warranted the invasion I underwent yesterday.

It's not easy to make a true enemy out of me. Where so many have failed, she has succeeded. What little respect I held for her has been absolutely demolished, and now she will know what it means to be on MY bad side. You don't fuck with me, I don't fuck with you. But since that rule's been abandon, time to play.

Dec 15, 2016

750 #13

Good freaking morning.

Currently poorer than I've been in a long time. Longer than I can remember. Yikes. Not sure how I let that whole thing get out of hand. Perhaps I'm going out too much, smoking too much, drinking too much, eating out too much. Just simply not being wise with my money. Mmm, but a pizza from Peabody's sounds soooo good right now. I think I might have to do that for dinner. Tee-hee.

Hopefully I will get some cash for Christmas to help replenish my savings account just a little bit. I think I'll try to do the "new man" think for this New Year. Sort of excited about the possibility of a new beginning, even if I'm still sort of directionless. Speaking of Christmas, I still have to do nearly all of my shopping. I don't think that's going to work out too well. Saturday will be a busy day; hopefully the snow isn't too bad, for if it is I'll be looking at scrambling next week to get ready for Christmas.

Suckily, Christmas falls on a Sunday this year. Terrible, absolutely terrible. Thankfully work is giving us the following Monday off as well, so at least it feels like there was a bit of a Christmas break. I'm honestly already over it; I'm ready to see what sort of crazy ugly things 2017 will have to throw at us.

The Dancing Gal is being quite forward and relentless in what I perceive is her pursuit of me. I'm trying to be very platonic about it, but she's always inviting me over to hang at her house. I don't know how to break it to her that I'm not interested in dating anyone with kids. It's kind of a harsh stance, I know, but I don't have the time or desire to share my time. I'm not looking to settle down or get married, nor am I looking to sleep around. And I don't think she is the type of gal to sleep around anyway. I think it would probably be fun, but it would lead to drama. Not my Mistake-level drama, but I don't think the Dancing Girl would be able to separate the act and any feelings she's already cultivated for me.

The ex-gf continues to be there, waiting in the wings it seems. I do enjoy her company, and feel guilty that I'm not willing to give more of myself at this point in time. Things have been very calm between the two of us. I guess it doesn't really pay to fight with someone over trivial stuff when you're not actually together. You begin to value the person for who they are, respect them for how they want to spend their time, and simply be thankful they're in your life at all.

I can still feel a part in me that desires a new relationship; fling; distraction. The feeling of something fresh is unlike anything else, energizing, addicting, like a drug. It's probably a good thing no one I have a deep attraction for is pursuing me. The right gal with the right look showing but a little interest may be all that's needed to set me off. I should consider myself lucky at this point, I suppose.

Been casually browsing potential apartments to move into after I leave the roommate's. Have my eye on a couple of studios that seem like the perfect amount of space for me and my situation. I was toying with the idea of buying a house but it's becoming apparent that is something I need to slow down and save for. I really don't want to accept any form of help from family; my mom's house will be going to my sister in the will, so that's not an option, though it would've been a cool one. Again, goes back to the overarching task of figuring out just what the fuck I should be doing.

Had band practice last night; second time where we focused on playing through our songs with the aid of a metronome. Wow, what a difference this makes when it comes to the presentation and feel of the songs! It was almost like hearing some of them for the first time. We became aware of parts in several songs where we've been slowing down quite noticeably. Tightening up those areas has really given a powerful edge to some of these songs, and I'm really encouraged by our progress and the prospect of a successful recording. Now only if that flaky engineer would give me a call...

Dec 14, 2016

750 #12

Well!

Trying something a bit new today, posting this to cover the tail-end 15 minutes before it's quitting time. I probably won't rush out the door at 5pm tonight since I came in a bit later than normal. Was a bit rough getting out of bed this morning (at the ex-gf's) and her dog really slowed me down. I do like that dog, and it's a shame she's such a sensitive scaredy cat.

Event went well last night went all right. A punk duo played first after us; they were rough, loud, out of tune. Properly punk. Covered Man Who Sold the World (Nirvana version) first, so that scored some points with me. Several others played, too. We didn't have to do too much heavy lifting. Wrapped up around 11:45 or so. Drank too much as evidenced by how I am still feeling right now; very much looking forward to that first beer to take the edge off.

Hi friends, I'm an alcoholic! Maybe, maybe not. I like to drink beer, but I don't believe it has a power over me, just like cigarettes or weed don't. While we were comfortably lubed up during our trip in California in November, I can only recall a handful of times where I had the urge to smoke the ganj. I really should use that knowledge to cut down on my daily consumption.

Bank account got real low this week. Overdrew my account by $3 (fuck you, math) and surprisingly didn't incur any sort of penalty...yet. Will have to see how that all plays out. Can't imagine they'll let me get away with that for free. This meant savings account plunged below $1000 for the first time in a lonnnng time. Not a very good feeling, especially with Christmas presents to buy. I'm going to have to start keeping a better budget so I can construct a more informative picture as to where my money is going. If I can blow it up in charts where I can see long term what I'm spending on weed and booze it could be eye-opening. I get that I spend a lot of those two things, but I think I need a more impactful visual to drive home the reality.

Because I know just how much money I could have, well, relatively, if I cut back or abstained altogether. In fact, if I didn't do beer and weed to the amount I do I could probably have a down payment for a house right now. Ugh. That thought kind of hits home. I could probably buy new/more clothes more often. Update my wardrobe that really hasn't been updated in a decade.

My shit is not together, but thankfully I'm not despairing about it. Unfortunately though, it looks like I blew it with the FSC position. The email I followed up apologizing for the resume error and requesting an interview went unanswered. Fuck that bitch in HR, is what I say. It was a fucking innocent mistake that I totally overlooked. To reach out for an interview only to follow up with a wall of silence is the move of an entitled fuckstick.

In the end, not hiring me will be their loss. I'm actually starting to feel a bit of anger over the situation. Then again, some lessons you need to learn the hard way. Like, when you're proofreading your resume, proofread EVERYTHING. Make sure you spelled your name right. And make double fucking sure that you've given them the correct contact information. Makes me think about how many missed phone calls there have been in the past. I guess it doesn't matter though, since I can't even know.

Okey doke. 125 short of the goal today. What else...band practice tonight. Balls cold outside. We're trying to figure out our login info for the site we used to make our CD back in 2011. We think we can utilize that method to get on iTunes and Spotify and perhaps reach an audience we never would have reached. Spotify is where it's at. If we could just get a few of our tunes liked and connected to another artist...but my fear is that the production value of the CD leaves a lot to be desired, so we may tank from the start line. Which makes me think about our next CD, this seemingly flaky engineer, and how we're going to approach the whole thing in terms of focus this time around.

Dec 13, 2016

750 #11

Brrrrr so very cold in this office. Temperature is cold outside. 10 degrees. No wind though, so it's at least survivable out there.

Took the roommate to work this morning. Sounds like he's been walking as of late but anticipated that today would be too cold---he got a DUI a few weeks back. It wasn't but still I had no qualms about taking him in. Wasn't too difficult to roll out of bed at 6:30a (ish), might try to do that more often and get my pushups and situps in before showering.

What else is happening? Have our event tonight, and I am not looking forward to it in the slightest. The only thing that I'm slightly curious about is how the turnout will be tonight. The extra $40-60 per week, free drinks and free meal are all nice things, but at the cost of 6+ hours of my time? I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it anymore. There's fun to be had, for sure, but it only comes in bursts. We've had some good 7-, 8-player nights but those have been few and far between as of late. Averaging perhaps 3 players outside of ourselves.

If I cut out of Tuesdays in the future, that would leave me with an extra night to do whatever I wanted, but of course I'd be out the cash. What is more worthwhile to me right now? I think these Tuesdays are going to be rough for the winter; rough on attendance and rough on my motivation to actually carry it out.

It's getting to the point where I wish I was just doing it solo. The $120 per night would be incredible. That would be worth it even with my present concerns.

Did not hear back from FSC yesterday; this indicates to me that my phone number snafu on the resume cost me the interview. Sonofabitch. They wanted to talk to me on the phone, and because I was one digit off on my number---even though they contacted through email too, which I got---I didn't get a followup response. Sent another email today asking if they still wanted to speak to me, but given yesterday I won't be surprised if the HR rep just ignores that one too.

Really sucks that I had an opportunity to look at getting out of here and the chance was blown on such a small thing. Maybe not a small thing though. Attention to detail is pretty important for the job I'm applying to. So the fact I fucked that up prior to day one likely doesn't encourage them about the rest of my skills.

Lame. Hopefully the HR rep at least has something resembling a spine and gives me a straight answer. Really not cool if they decide to ignore me from here on out.

Responded to my first CL want ad today. Seemed very straight forward and not creepy like most of them. Responded more so out of curiosity than anything else. Not starving for attention or physical contact, as I get enough of that. Just curious about who else out there on the other side is looking, and why.

Other than that, fucking Christ is it cold in my office. Hands are freezing, balls are freezing even with long underwear on. Jesus. Like, I shouldn't have to wear gloves in the fucking office. God I hate this place. Hate is so much.

I haven't done shit for work in about a week and a half. It's been pretty awesome and it's pretty amazing there's that little for me to do. And whenever I sit down to try to actually do something I inevitably will run into a roadblock that's been set by one of my coworkers that will prohibit any progress on my end until they take care of their side. Which then causes me to throw my hands up, say fuck it, and go back to screwing around on the internet.

The bright side of it is that I will have several solo Hearthstone adventures to occupy me for the time being. Holy hell am I not looking forward to open mic tonight. I hope to god they cancel the two weeks over the holidays. If that happens I get it becomes clear to me that I value spending my Tuesdays how I want vs. being tethered to the pub for $40 and some amenities. I like routine, but my routine's getting to me. Not getting a good feeling about the band's prospect at being good and ready for recording early next year.

As always, shit to do.

Dec 12, 2016

750 #10

Well then.

Another Monday. Been at least one interesting development here since we last spoke. On Friday afternoon, boss sent out an email to me and the VP about a web dev service. Essentially, it looks like outsourcing my job, essentially. What little there is of my job. Best case scenario it's a decent system with a user-friendly content management system; worst case scenario it's static and will create a mess that is beyond my scope to clean up.

At least I will have some questions about the system. I know enough to know what this will ultimately mean, at least I will know once I gain a better understanding of what's all entailed in the package.

At a bulk payment of $3,500 and $300/mo maintenance, we've got to sell a decent amount of product in order for it to pay for itself. The big draw of the site is of course e-commerce, something I don't even want to touch with my novice skills.

On the flip side, I did get a call back from the one of my prospective jobs---at the wrong number. The resume I used had the 918 prefix, a typo I left in there from years ago. I apologized to her through email in trying to set up a phone interview time that works for the both of us. Sadly, didn't hear back, and one of the time slots is happening now, the next at 11:30a. Hopefully with the wrong number and the inability to make their short-notice interview doesn't completely shoot me in the foot. The thought of getting out of here is an attractive one.

So hopefully I will hear back today one way or another; not a great deal of jobs out there that I'm actually excited about. Getting into a field where I can help people would be ideal. Something where I feel like I'm actually having an impact on things. Not the constant stagnation I experience here on a daily basis.

Company Christmas party was this past Saturday. Once again, I lied and said I had a prior engagement. Well, technically our LAN party at the guitarist's was scheduled, then canceled due to inclement weather, but I told my coworkers I'd be out of town as to drum up a better excuse as to why I didn't go: a better excuse than "I don't like these people," anyway.

What else is happening? Still trying to locate the source of my self-worth, or at least, not get it from external places. Haven't heard from the Mistake, and not sure if I ever will. I suppose maybe the best thing is to move forward and pretend like this never happened. Best case scenario, that, and knowing I shouldn't expect any special treatment from the SPD for as long as I'm in town, as long as they're in town.

The ex-gf continues to be extra kind, supportive and patient. And I still don't know what I want. Spent Friday night over by her; had a movie date and I stayed over. Things felt all right, but Saturday morning I had the urge to just get out of there and start my day of gaming. Felt very antsy to do so and didn't stay for breakfast; felt bad about it afterwards.

I still have it in my head that I'm going to meet some girl that will sweep me off my feet. How hilarious, me saying that, since that was one of the things I was admonishing the Mistake for: this idea that there's an ideal out there for you who you're destined to run into if only you'd hang on and keep searching just a little bit longer. But then again if that's not the case, there's not only one other option: it's not like I have to settle for anything, period.

And if  the ex-gf is right for me, is this me just being blind right now? Or otherwise should I look at it and say there's absolutely nothing there, because if there were I'd surely know it? Or am I destined two years down the line to look back at all my relationships, and think, damn I fucked that up, didn't treasure what I had, etc. Will I be saying the same things six months from now but about the ex-gf?

Ugh, no response yet from the job people I mentioned above. Took at look at postings today and there was nothing new I was interested in. Need a lifestyle change, bad. Perhaps a new job could help usher that in: less weed, less booze, earlier bed time, working out, taking care of myself better.

Lots to do.

Dec 9, 2016

750 #9

Very little motivation to come here today.

The sun is actually out today, which is amazeballs. I think that is the thing I dislike about winter more than the wet, more than the snow and ice, more than the cold: the lack of sunshine. I just loathe waking up to that sickly grey light. It feels like everything moves slower on those days. Nothing looks quite as good as it should on those days. So even if it is only twenty-three degrees out, I'll take it.

Didn't wake up this morning with overwhelming dread over the fact I had to come here today. More so was thinking about the potential of calling in to work. Had some serious stomach issues this morning. Think I OD'd on Airborne last night before going to bed and that did some fun things to my digestive system. Stinkiest farts I've had in quiet a while. Ripe and pungent. I'm going to file this away in the back of my mind for a later time. Like if the band ever did embark on a mini-tour and we'd be cooped up on the road in a van together. That could be fun.

But I didn't call in, much in part to the body occupying the couch at home for the last three days. No idea what his schedule is and felt self-conscious about calling in; dude already knows I like my smoke and my drink. Not that his judgement matters, but I'm human and it's one of those things I can't shake. Still wondering just what the fuck is going on. Night prior I offered him a toke of a J and he passed, talked about how he's figuring shit out and getting his life together, all moping and depressed. Next day he's cheery, saying he's much better and that aw shoot he forgot to bring over some bud. That he had like three different kinds right now. I are confused.

Seems like a nice enough fellow, a little hyper and probably a bit crazy, but I still hope he's gone soon. Like, don't make me look for a place to live faster than I intended. Because I will.

Raid night was last night; went well overall. Lynx gave his speech about conduct and I think it went over fine. It's important we're clear about who we are as well as about enforcing our rules when people are stepping out of line. Thankfully no major problems, just a bit of a loosing of standards, which we mean to tighten back up.

This weekend should be a weekend where I get the rest of my Xmas shit done. Some shopping yet, preparing of the pancake mix, stuff like that. Tonight we're having band practice at 6:30p, so that seems like an opportunity for me to grab a fish sandwich at the pub, but really, I shouldn't. Can't really afford it with all of the Christmas shopping and extra expenses incurred this quarter.

I should really save more money. Most of the waste is happening with beer, weed, and dining out. Thankfully I should be sitting all right in terms of groceries for next week. Will have to pick up some taco fixings, maybe some milk and such, lettuce, but not really a major grocery expense this week, which will help.

I could head home and make more spaghetti tonight, finish off that lettuce---not sure what I'll do yet. Leaning towards spending money I don't have. A fish sandwich sounds incredible right now. Kind of wish I didn't have to sit here for a mandatory work lunch today. Could get more done at home and eat food that needs to be eaten.

Instead I'm being bribed with chicken and pizza to sit at work over lunch for a stupid ass meeting that revolves around "new" company policy that our VP googled up and stole from some other corp. Standard practice there, I'm sure, but the policies are absolute overkill for our organization. But wasting time, our own, each other's, the company's, is really what we excel at here.

The company Xmas party is being held Saturday at a local boating club. Third year in a row I won't be able to attend because I simply do not wish to. Honestly, there is a tiny part of me that wants to go if for no reason than to see if there might be some cute women working for the other organization we share a party with, but in the end that wasn't a large enough of an enticement for me to take the plunge. Because these people aren't the worst, but also aren't people I'd choose to hang out with if given a choice. So I guess this is me being true to myself.

Dec 8, 2016

750 #8

It's been an OK week so far. With every passing day the cloud that hung over me lifts a little bit. But I can't help but wonder how many people now know this secret that will likely remain unspoken indefinitely. How have these actions damaged my character in ways I can't perceive? But what then does it really matter how people view me? I mean, on a practical level I shouldn't care, but really on a functional level, this could hurt me.

What if I apply for a job at a place where some of the decision makers are aware of this indiscretion? I mean, maybe they shouldn't take that into account, but doesn't it indicate a lack of good judgement? A willingness to cut corners and do wrong, not good, if I feel like it's something in my interest no matter how fleeting or potentially damaging to myself and others?

Actually had to do some work right away when I got in this morning. Was going to go through my daily routine startup, but a coworker had to come in here to pick through files for the year-end inventory that's been taking place for the last three fucking months. I believe it's been double or triple checked right now but she and her position are so incredibly useless to this company they just keep handing her busy work, half of which she has no fucking clue how to execute.

I don't mean this as a cut, but there's no way she's ever worked in an office environment in the past. I'm guessing she was a server at a restaurant. She's chatty, but has absolute zero technology skills. Come to think of it, she fits right in here.

Sadly have not heard back from either of the jobs I applied to last week; it's only been a week but I'm thinking the window to hear something is open and likely to close in 7-10. Should probably follow up with both places early next week to figure out what's up. Back to the routine of looking for new postings every Mon, Wed and Fri.

Our drummer canceled practice last night. Said he had to be at home to help out with some "last-minute shit." I think back to a year ago when we started this thing back up again, and our goals. I think we're all about the same level of dedicated, which is "relatively." When you jam once per week and don't push heavy for shows, no true leader or organizer, you can only do so much.

It's disappointing now, having 3 weeks of canceled/non-full band practice in a row. We purposefully chose Wednesday night as the night that we'd plan our domestic schedules around; ok'd it with the wives and everything. Our guitarist was busy the first of the three weeks, with one of the nights his wife being sick, which is understandable. Not sure exactly what happened with our drummer, but his admission tells me he didn't do a great job at all prioritizing the band this week. And if we're looking to practice on Friday, it won't be able to start until after 8p because of the guitarist's son, and our drummer is usually in bed by 9p that fucking old man.

I supposedly going to be hearing from the sound engineer today at some point to chat about logistics. Recording is going to sneak up on us faster than I think we realize, and it's important that we're ready for it this time around. Even if it is only three, four, maybe five songs, we need to get it right this time.

I don't know how much longer I have it in me. I'm not feeling fatigued yet, but music has become more of a hobby than it ever has been. Not that it wasn't before, but now I'm surrounded by guys who simply don't have the luxury (time) to be as dedicated as I could be. It kind of holds you back, in way. I'm in a position where I could play every weekend, out of town, hell, go on a little mini tour of sorts. But likely not going to happen with Kolo and Dave in the band.

Almost seems like it's going to take more focus, more effort, to figure out a method that will work for us: have a good time doing what we do, but elevate it so that we're getting a bit more out of it than we currently are. But who knows. It seems that the interest in live bands dwindles with each passing year, now that there's hundreds of thousands of artists that can be listened to online, free of charge, with the click of a button.

Strange times, indeed, but I suppose these times require that your music actually be good to make that cut. I think in that regard, we have some promise.


Dec 7, 2016

750 #7

It's 750 words, the drunk edition. Err, not drunk, rather hungover. Not too terribly hungover though. Enough to notice it's there if I think about it but relatively easy to ignore. Looking forward to 5pm so I can get me some hair of the dog action.

So I've essentially managed to get this PC set up here at work. I'm not entirely impressed. I don't like how Microsoft has turned the PC in a tablet-like experience, but also almost browser-like experience. Floored that you are now shown ads to buy other products from the machine you just bought. It actually makes me a bit angry to think about. Those fucking greedy cock gobblers will literally shovel shit down your throat if they believe they can make a dollar of you. This is why I will never be for the corporate world. I could never put my heart into peddling stupid shit no one really needs. Seriously, fuck all of those people and the mentality they hold. Fuck them into the fucking ground until they fall through the earth's crust and into the molten core of the planet.

I hate my job.

Believe this was already known, but I find that I have to say it from time to time. Like I said, I've managed to set up my new work PC for the most part. Only current hangup is I don't have a cord that will work for the 2nd monitor, so I've felt a bit half-blind this week. Not that I would normally get a whole hell of a lot done by choice, I'm using the one monitor as an excuse to do almost nothing. Better than having no excuse for doing almost nothing.

I can't believe this is only 300 words. It feels like so much more than that. Fuck.

Went over to the recent ex-gf's last night after the event, buzzed. Not wasted though, had fun times before going to sleep. Still woke up with mixed feelings. It feels like we're almost together sometimes. Sometimes I feel like that's what I want. A lot of times though it's mostly just uncertainty.

Sometimes I think about what I'd potentially be "missing" if I were to settle down again, like I did last year with the ex-gf after the previously break-up of my LTR. But that's the wrong question and I can't really figure out why I'm asking myself that. It's like I have this sort of ideal in my head that, while it may exist, I don't know why or what I'm after really. Like, I'm not one way...no one is one way really, but I don't even really know what I am looking for. I don't even know that I should be looking in the first place.

And for better or worse, given the arrangement I have with the ex-gf right now, I don't feel truly alone. If I were to actually meet with someone and connect with them, I would have to break it off with the ex-gf. So that really is almost the same thing as being together.

I'm the fucking king of settling. The motherfucking king. Or the king of impatience. I just want some sort of order so I'll settle for less-than-ideal order since it at least implies order. I want things to make sense; maybe that's a big part of this. Navigating the space I currently occupy while alone isn't a fun thing to do. Having a partner provides a much needed distraction.

Haven't heard from the Mistake since the reveal. Did not expect to, but worth a mention. Was at the brewery last night with my cousin and realized I had to duck out when the yoga lady showed up. There was a good chance the Mistake and friends would be there, and I'm sure news of our deed has spread now. It's a curious feeling, knowing you've fucked up, and realizing that people judge/hate cheaters. Cheating is one thing, but knowingly sleeping with a married woman while you are single? Super super not cool. All married/partnered dudes have the right to look at me like I'm the scum of the earth.

Time will be the only avenue providing redemption. Distance from the incident, and perhaps distance from the place of the incident, too. Really need to figure out my next step in life; was hoping it would arrive via one of the positions I recently applied for, but can only hold out hope on those for a couple of weeks until I've gotta move on. Keep looking. Keep working on that plan. Whatever's going to be done needs to be in action by spring.

Dec 6, 2016

750 #6

Sometimes I wonder to myself how much I really know my guy. Sure, I've got my own secrets and the private side of my life that I choose not to share with everybody. It's clear to me now that he was most likely cheating on his wife, and he cheated on his last girlfriend too. Sounds like when the latter took place the relationship was already on the decline, relevant to a certain degree, but he also chose to cheat with a married woman.

I've seen other indications in the past that pointed towards scenarios with him and women. And now, there's this guilt we share, although I'm not sure he's feeling a great deal of guilt. If he is, he's not showing it. Which does hearken back to his laid back personality. It kind of makes sense. I kind of envy that attitude, wish I could be in place where I could say fuck it and really mean it.

Got home last night after practice to find that the roommate's friend had turned up, relatively out of the blue. Apparently this guy is having woman problems and is getting kicked out of a house...that is actually his? I'm trying to get this shit straight but the reality of this guy's existence seems to be preventing that. He was originally supposed to come by the night prior; then he suddenly became intermittent with his communication, then incommunicado. Had people looking for him because it sounded like he dropped off the grid. Finally got in touch with my roommate, late, and said he'd be coming over.

He never showed. Another friend who was out looking for him noted that it appeared he'd gone "home," as there were fresh tracks in the snow that indicated his truck recently pulled into the garaged. So really, fuck this guy.

Then he shows up out of the blue last night, asks roommate if he can shower and says nothing else. Til he got out of the shower. Then all I know is he was loud so I put my headphones on, turned them up loud, logged into Overwatch, and tried to ignore their conversation as much as I could. I do remember this guy from a friend's bachelor party; I remember not having a good feeling about him then.

Had jams last night. Got a little testy with a bandmate who was dismayed at the prospect of what some of Trump's cabinet could do. I guess I've still got a bit of pent anger inside, as in my view Trump's playing EVERYBODY. The right, the left, the center, those who don't really give a fuck, he's playing us all. To what end, I have no idea. To those he pandered to, toss your expectations out the window. To those who are still hyperventilating at the reality of his election, take a fucking chill pill.

I truly do not believe Trump will make it all four years in office; frankly, I'm not yet convinced he'll even make it to office. There are a lot of days between now and inauguration. Lots of time for a number of things to happen. I think we're wading into unprecedented territory, and not for the reasons that are already on the table. The people who control things will always work to stay in control. If Trump isn't actually part of their plan, his place there will be short-lived.

How to get two-hundred more words at this point when I'm not really feeling it? What else is going on...well, we have our Tuesday event yet again tonight. It's nice to be paid for our efforts here, but the 5+ hour endeavor is starting to grate on me. We're not getting the participation we'd like to get, and some nights it can feel like not the greatest use of time. I think I've always harbored nerves about it, but not to the point where I didn't actually want to do it.

I feel I'm reaching that point now. With M-R having a calendar item every single night, I think soon I will need to reclaim one of those. In fact, if I end up getting a new job I will have to seriously evaluate my ability to do open mic nights. I'm sure I won't be afforded the leniency I am at this job in terms of my schedule. But maybe that's all part of the change I need to make.

Changes are needed. I need to figure out my next big move. I need to move out. And I need to find a new job. Not necessarily in that order.

Dec 5, 2016

750 #5

It would appear that this writing thing will only take place during the week, as it's a great way to provide a time kill at work, since things are regularly so slow. Granted, at this point in time I've built up an impressive back log of work that in theory I could be working on right now. It's amazing how long I can go here without really doing much of anything, yet no one notices. Makes me wonder if I should try to hold onto some aspects of this job when I finally do move on. I really feel I could do the work in 10-15 hours per week. The question is whether or not I actually want to do that if the opportunity is there.

Past weekend was all right. Drank too much on Friday night; well, not too much, just was buzzing decently by the time I got home and that made sitting around at home Friday night a foregone conclusion. The gal was trying to get me to go to her show. I'm beginning to get the sense she's looking for more than a friendship at this point in time. She wanted to get together on Sunday, but I ducked out of that one. I found myself thinking a bit about the recent ex-gf and how neurotic I am right now when it comes to my future.

On paper, to borrow a phrase from my favorite adultress, the ex-gf is a good partner. Decent job, solid work history experience, no kids, kind, intelligent. Yet still I can't shake this feeling of wondering what else I might miss if I settle down again. But then again, what do I manage to do when I'm out and about? A married woman offered me a bite of an apple (over and over again) and finally I gave in. The apple was OK, for the record. I don't think I'll get up to much good out on the prowl. Probably just end up drunk-fucking someone else in my extended social circle which will only serve to provide more awkwardness in the future.

Alternatively, keep searching, but extend the network---and I've already canceled by dating profile accounts. The thought of keeping up with it is just too much. Other option is to get out of here and start anew. I've got to make that choice soon. It's either buying a house and settling down here or moving on somewhere with a plan in mind.

I'm holding out hope to hear back from one of the jobs I applied to last week. I think getting into something new, working with people to better themselves, will go a long way towards helping me decide on a purpose of sorts. As soon as I'm done with this post I'm going to take a peek at what else may have been posted since I last looked. Should probably regularly visit the state government site, too, since I've been lapsing on that front.

Today, my roommate goes to court to answer for the drunk driving accident he was in just over a month ago now, I think. The lawyer friend he spoke to believes that his first DUI from a different state many years ago will show up in the system this time around, so technically this offense will be his third, not his second. Which will likely mean a greater fine and more jail time. He's got to jump through all sorts of hoops, but I understand why: driving is a privilege, not a right, and some of the actions he must take seem to be geared at reinforcing that fact. You're supposed to lose your license so that you can better understand just what a privilege it is.

I had a thought this morning about my routine: I'm not sure I like it. I mean, I like routine in many aspects, but this Mon-Thurs same thing every week in the evening as it is in the day is becoming a bit taxing. It's mainly the Tuesday night obligation that's grating on me. We haven't had very good participation overall in recent months. The extra cash on hand is nice, but some nights I wonder if it's worth it. I'm up late, I generally wake up with a hangover because I don't do a great job at controlling myself, and not many people seem to give a fuck about the event's existence. We have our regular folk, thank god for them, but attracting new blood has been a slow process.

Other than that, I gotta do my Christmas shopping. Stat. Suppose I should make a list first.

Dec 2, 2016

750 #4

Well.

Woke up this morning not feeling super terrible; not great, but good enough. Probably had something to do with the fact I had five beers last night and lots of bowls versus the three beers I was aiming to hold myself to. Oh well. Night ran long.

The cloud my infractions brought upon me is slowly lifting. It's still going to remain as a shadow in the back of my mind at all times, but I think I'm at least getting over the hurdle. From all appearances it appears she has retreated to salvage and prop up her fairy tale life. Perhaps I'm fortunate he's a cop. Maybe I'd have been at a greater risk for trouble if he wasn't.

I've applied for two jobs this week, both in the social services. One is private sector non-profit, the other is a government position. Last year a government position would've been very appealing, but now? I can see social services being on the end of the knife of whomever's holding it in that fucktard's administration.

So we'll see. In terms of qualifications, I have the experience they are looking for. Time will tell if they'll allow the experience, even though it ran for three years almost a decade ago.

I still need to do my Christmas shopping. Think I'll make up my official list this afternoon in between setting up this "new" Lenovo PC I got for work. It was actually the accountant's new PC, the one that's been sitting in her office for weeks that she simply hasn't bothered to set up. When I let her know that my machine was slowly dying to the point where I may show up for work one day and not be able to work (by force, not choice like usual). Instead of letting me browse and spec one out as was the original plan, she simply gave me hers since she doesn't anticipate having time to set it up for a while.

Whoops! That probably counts as a distraction. I just went poop and talked to a colleague. Shame on me.

Anyway, setting up this new PC; bright side is it has 16g of RAM and a decent processor so I should be able to download and potentially sneak some gameplay from here at work. Not exactly sure how that will play out. WoW addons are the real hold up.

So basically today and the better part of the first half of next week will be spent setting this thing up, familiarizing myself with the new versions of all the software I normally use; was stuck in 2010 or earlier up to this, so hopefully this doesn't fuck anything up. I already hate Windows 10 and how heavily and unnecessarily they hand-hold users when setting up the PC. I wish there was an option to set up the PC like it was Windows XP. Fuck your prompts, fuck your tips, fuck you for asking me to rate your god damned fucking apps. I just want to boot my PC and install the shit I know I need.

One of the contributions to our society's furthering dumbness is that no one gets challenged any more. Spoon feeding is the expected norm, IQ or critical thinking skills irrelevant.

Anywhoo...what's up for the weekend.

One gal's been nagging me to hang out and I've been deftly avoiding that because A) I fear she wants my nuts and B) she has two kids and I've pretty much sworn off the whole dating-a-woman-with-kids thing, even though I do realize that as I age the likelihood of finding a woman without children lessens and lessens. Her...show...whatever it is, is on tonight but she's not even dancing. That's the excuse I used to not attend. She still offered for me to go, but I'm sure I'll be passing.

Need to get some stuff done around the house this weekend. Need to put together stuff for Christmas, do Christmas shopping, laundry, clean up my room heavy-like. Saturday night is my sister's organization's fundraising event, but I couldn't bring myself to attend this year. Was feeling too low when the offer was on the table due to my previous actions alluded to throughout these writings; The recent ex-gf is apparently going to go with my mother. That's nice, I guess.

No real plans. Should go for a run and/or workout but probably won't. Need to figure all this shit out yet, but it's Friday so I'll put that off til Monday.

Dec 1, 2016

750 #3

Can we do 750 today? Probably.

Actually woke up this morning not feeling like total shit. Wednesday was likely due to all the of alcohol I had the night prior, on top of the depression stuff that's been hanging loosely in the wings like an old spider web. Also I didn't drink after I got home from practice last night; had a decent buzz when I got home and I simply augmented that with some more pot. Perhaps the alcohol is fucking with my sleep more than I realize. Going to limit myself to three beers tonight during raid to see what's up.

Didn't end up going running this morning like I intended to. I thought I'd be bailing on my new running partner but it turns out he'd have bailed on me regardless. He decided to stay where he was last night and get laid. Good for him.

But the dark cloud, whatever it was, seems to have subsided just a bit. Or isn't completely obscuring the sun. Even though the clouds are completely obscuring the sun outside of my office window right now. Fuck this shit. It's like someone flipped a switch a couple of weeks ago and since we've seen only a couple of days with sun.

Also, while it's still fresh in my mind, the "mood" rating system thing they have on this site that you can see after you've written a post is bollocks. Yesterday it said I was feeling mostly happy in my post. Uh, nope.

Anyway, perhaps I'm finally beginning to move on from my latest transgression. The Woman of My Mistake seems to be moving on with her life. Ironic now that she unfriended me on Facebook. So much had to happen in such a way for me to be in the position to make that terrible choice, yet in the end it's still on me. I ended up unfollowing her Insta as well. She's been posting regularly, pics of food, of her sons. I guess I am getting some sort of comfort from that, even while I know that the reality of what happened will be a part of her and her family's lives for a long time, possibly forever.

Possibly it helps to see how my guy just lets everything under the sun roll right off his shoulders. I don't think guilt is a bad thing at all, it means there might be something there to learn, but perhaps I'm allowing myself to feel it a bit too much. What's done is done, and I'm generally capable of accepting any situation even if it's shite. I'm looking forward to not being paranoid about some guy fucking me up in some shape or form. I understand why revenge served cold is considered the best. I suppose I will always harbor some degree of worry, as our paths could really cross at any moment.

I thought about writing him a letter of apology. It wouldn't be difficult to get it to him. But I can't say for sure whether the letter would be written for him or for me, truly. What would I even tell him, other than my regrets? I'm not looking for forgiveness, just want him to know I know I fucked up. I also want him to know the methods I used to try to keep her at bay, but honestly, I could've done a lot more. A lot more. I chose not to cut off all communication once it became clear a married woman wanted my bones. I should have. That would've been the wise, ethical thing to do. I think. Instead I just kept her at arms distance, reveling in the occasional flirtation she'd send my way.

I can't lie, I enjoyed that part. I enjoyed the sex, too. Enough that I am craving for more with her, but I don't know if I hate myself enough to do that. Don't think I'm depressed enough to do that. Then again if she showed up at my doorstep over lunch I don't know if I could say no. I probably wouldn't. Sex right now is something I really want; that sort of quick connection. It wasn't right with her, and don't know if it ever could be with someone who is attached.

I know I will never make that mistake with another woman again. I sincerely hope she and her husband are able to address the real problems they have at home and find a solution that allows them to work through things and stay together. Time will tell, but I'd like to just forget about it for now.