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Nov 30, 2016

750 #2

When will it end, I wonder to myself.

I've been waking up each morning with this stark feeling of dread and aimlessness. I'm trying to think of the last time I woke up truly excited for life, for living. Lately, I just want a way off this planet.

Every now and then I can feel a tiny spark of hope ignite somewhere deep within me, but like an ember borne away from the fire by the wind, it's light is quickly snuffed out. This absolutely sucks. I should probably talk to someone. I probably should've talked to someone long ago.

And this isn't all to say that all of the days in the last year were shite. But I do have to ask myself if those good days were real, as in, was I really truly happy with what was happening, or was I distracting myself with things that would keep me happy enough for the time being: a girlfriend who ended up wanting too much of my time, complete with emotional problems of her own; plans, as I mentioned before, with the pancake mix, setting up a studio at the house; weed and alcohol, though they both have remained a constant.

I want to find my purpose. I don't want to do the things I'm quote-unquote supposed to do. I can't afford to continue to come to a job that I don't enjoy every single day. It doesn't help knowing that my job could be done in roughly 10 hours per week versus the 40 I'm expected to work. There have been days, weeks even, where I've literally done nothing at work but fuck off. Sure, there were things I could be doing but somehow I found it better to hold off until I had a large pile to chip away at. Yep, that sounds like me.

But who am I, really? The lenses I have currently equipped don't paint a pretty picture, even of the things I actually do enjoy. I'm a musician? A mediocre one, at best. At best. It's never going to sustain me financially---not that I ever expected it to---and it costs more in time and energy than it will ever get back. I'll always be playing music, I say. Why do I say that? Do I really want to? Will I? I don't even know anymore.

I don't know who I am. Doesn't help that recently I did something I'm incredibly ashamed of. The sting of regret is beginning to fade, I think. But man. This might be one of those things where if I'm asking "Do you have any regrets in life," this might be it. The only one. We shall see, I suppose.

And sadly, I purposefully placed myself in a situation where I'd be vulnerable while I was already vulnerable to begin with. Self-destructive behavior. Perhaps that was my way of working towards a way out of this. Force a change.

In a moment of clarity this morning while getting ready (and also nursing a hangover from last night), I realized what I've known before and that is that most things aren't in my control, but I need to take the reins on the things I can control. My health, my schedule, my thoughts. I still drink too much, I still smoke too much, and I'm worse off than I was last year at this time.

Something's gotta change, or something's gonna give.

I'd rather be able to enjoy my life while I'm here versus making an early exit. Two weeks ago I was talking to a friend about being depressed---really, spilling my guts to a mere acquaintance---and I mentioned how I wasn't thinking about killing myself. And then the floodgates seemed to open after that. Thankfully, I'm too much of a coward. Of the times I've thought about the ways to end this, I spend most of the time thinking about the easiest, least painful, and least messy way.

I guess if nothing else it tells me how truly low one has to be in order to take their own life due to depression. I'm fucking low, but not that low. Perhaps inching towards it, but I feel there are miles in between where I now stand and that finality.

I'd say I'd like to go back to when...but when is when? Was there ever a time I could feasibly point to and say YES, that there was the time. I've made mistake after mistake, and those choices have led me to where I am today. Sure, you may learn from them, but that won't do anything to alleviate the situation you're in because of the mistakes.

Ugh. Pointless shite. Seven-fiddy plus.

Nov 29, 2016

750 #1

Where to begin.

I did actually wake up at 6:30 this morning. Shuffled across the room to where I had my phone plugged into my PC. The PC which I left on last night for the extra warmth it provides the bedroom. Not that my bedroom is noticeably cold at night, just that the PC does put out quite a bit of heat. I grabbed the phone and shuffled back to bed. Snoozed for the next forty-five.

As I stood on the porch last night smoking a cigarette I'd "borrowed" from my roommate after he'd gone to bed, I couldn't help but reflect on a stark, unnerving fact: I'm not better off than I was one year ago. I suppose a lot of people might be able to say that, and for a variety of reasons. But this is all on the inside. As dire as it can look when I raise my head to survey the landscape, the battle I'm fighting is within.

From that very spot shortly after I moved in I took a moody photograph of the intersection at nearest cross streets from the house, the lone street light reflecting off the night-swathed pavement, the edges of photo framed in leaves and branches. I meant to take a pic from the same spot during each new season. The plan was abandoned, as were the weekly garden shots. The pictures themselves would show progress: changing of seasons, the maturation of a vegetable garden. My life, on the other hand, hasn't shown the same.

Just over a year ago I thought I was at my lowest. I love my comfort zones. Hate to venture too far outside of them. Being thrown from the comfort zone that was a 7-year relationship was a bit euphoric, to be honest. I'd known what we'd had was dying (or dead) for a while, I just didn't have the guts to end it myself. But in the year that's passed since there's not a whole lot of things I can cite that I'm proud of. There were some things, for sure, but most of those things didn't last. Intentions were good: recording studio at home, production of my pancake mix, selling it at the farmer's market, not living with my roommate for more than a year. Fail. Fail. Fail. And Fail.

Knowing you need a change, but not knowing what it is you actually want is maddening. It's like I have a vision of who I think I am, and then there's the reality of who I really am. And I can't seem to reconcile the two. Or are unwilling to. Or are scared to.

I jumped into a new relationship right away and poured my soul into it until I could no longer maintain the energy. Became withdrawn and annoyed, two feelings which were compounded by the shaky mood and attitude held by the girlfriend. Tried online dating and that only seemed to place a magnifying class over what I perceive as my own dwindling self-worth.

I suppose that's all part of figuring out who I am, and what I really need out of life. But hell, I know my younger self assumed that my older, 33-year-old self would have his shit together. If only that younger self knew how easy it is to not have your shit together...at any age. And that's part of it, really. I look around at my peers, some of whom have chosen the traditional path, and others who are just sort of existing---wallowing---like I am. I don't really want either path, but it's clear I'm stuck in the latter one.

Change. Changes need to happen, but I'm not good at change until it's thrust upon me by an external force. I guess in that sense I'm adaptable. Flexible. I'm at peace with notion, the reality of the situation around me, even if it is an uncomfortable one. I feel like my time, in a sense, is running out. For what? Nothing, probably. I just feel this way because I am who I am where I am. Kind of inevitable if you really think about it.

Thankfully, today the sun is shining. First time in what feels like a week straight filled with matted grey. It does feel a little better, if only slightly. Maybe I'm imagining it. And maybe that's OK.

What I do know is that I'm truly not happy, and I expected to be able to cite progress I'm proud of within the last year. What I need to learn is that when it comes to my happiness, I'm responsible. So that's something I have to figure out.