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Oct 2, 2015

Desperate

Ahh. And there it is. Well, the first uninitiated contact from her. I'd sent an email to her a couple of days ago addressed to her children. Sadly, they weren't around for me to say goodbye to when it was time to leave. She responded a day later, thanking me for the letter and promising to pass it on to the kids.

Now I've heard from her again. I left a CD/DVD there that had a Christmas card and check from my father. My license plate renewal form also came; ironically, both the check and the renewal are for $75. A sign from the universe that this relationship should end? I don't know if I believe in signs.

I also left my pillow (which I was already aware of). She said she has no used for it, because for better or worse, it smells too much like me.

And I want to reply asking if she's still sure she wants to do this. I want to ask her all the questions I forbade myself to ask last week in an effort to respect her wishes and desires. So as to not sway her based on emotion. To let her reason.

But I won't. And I don't. She said she's willing to meet, or she can mail the papers. I asked her to mail the papers, toss the pillow.

That's that.

Oct 1, 2015

Move On

It didn't take long at all getting used to waking up here. That's the strange part. I think the first morning---last Sunday---was the only day where the stark contrast of where I was stood out to me enough to remember. I mean, eventually I'll remember as I'm getting ready for work, pulling clothes from a closet that's not mine, showering in a tub that's not mine, brushing my teeth in front of a mirror that's not mine. It's a weird realization to know I don't have to put the toilet seat down, something I did as a courtesy before. Well, my roommate leaves it up so I figure I can if I want anyway.

At the bottom of the stairs coming from the second floor is a doorway, and it's clearance is quite low; someone my height has to consciously duck to get under it. I fear stitches before my six-month verbal rental agreement is up.

I filled out an online dating profile today. And I think the sum of that act betrays just what a fragile state I'm in. I answered 985 questions about my preferences and characteristics. 985. That. is. staggering. I mean, I'm too numb to really understand it, but something in the back of my mind is telling me to read this as betraying the fact that I am not all right.

And I shouldn't be. I just lost who I thought would be my family for the rest of my life. It's literally shocking; it's turned my world upside down. They have each other. I have myself and a lot of questions.

I had a match with someone today, and we chatting briefly back and forth. It seemed all right, but I haven't heard back from my last conversational query. I rechecked another profile who I'd noticed had stopped by my page. I had "liked," then "unliked" her profile before the day's end; the main reason because a friend of mine had dated or chatted with her, and I wasn't sure what I should do. When I read about her, I thought she seemed really cool, and I reliked the page. And then I felt utterly ridiculous about the situation.

985 questions.

That is how broken I am.

I deleted the answers to all of those questions in one swift button push. Then promptly re-entered answers for 20 questions so I'd at least have some match potentials.

Because as broken as I am, and as far as my mind is temporarily gone, I need to move on. And I'm being honest with myself, and anyone who'd dare to get involved.

I have to heal, I have to learn about myself.

I have to move.