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Jan 8, 2014

New Year

Holy fuck.

 Holy fucking fuck.

This is a choking numbness of the likes I've never felt before. The physical weight I feel pushing inwards, on my chest, is unreal. It's real. It's there right now, has been increasing in pressure slowly over these last few months. Sometimes I feel like I have to think about breathing. It's like I have a deflated soul, I am a void. So empty right now. So, so empty. There's always a dull pain in my head that seems to originate from nowhere. I want to cry but I can't. I physically can't. I'm some sort of consciousness trapped inside a body it doesn't recognize.

Right now I sit in a house whose very walls I shrink away from. Trying to keep my presence mostly unnoticed as I float through this hell. Leaving no footprints. No wake. It's as if I woke up one day and the world around me changed. Not just changed, it was a slightly different instance of the world I used to live in. One of the millions of possible outcomes brought about through the evolution of time. This is my life once removed, so foreign it seems to me.

It's been seven months since I was laid off, and I can't even recall all of the names of the companies I've sent resume packets to. Dozens, well more than fifty. Overselling myself, underselling myself, just trying to find something hopefully meaningful to do. Then settling for just finding something to do. Finding nothing. Hearing nothing.

My heart for this world is breaking. I feel cold to the core, the deepest I've known. I would not choose to leave here by my own hand, but I don't know how much more my soul can handle. I fear this sadness may be my end.

I've received generic responses from two potential places of work. That's it. From the other dozens, nary a 'thank you for your resume'. On top of that, somehow I don't qualify for health insurance until April. Lastly, I just got UI benefits cut because Congress failed to renew a key program. Money to pay my side of the bills til the end of the month and...that's that.

I feel my partner has had enough of me. I've been aloof, and at times depressed, but otherwise things were great between us. But it feels like something's changed. Everything feels changed. I'm left asking myself, "What the fuck?"

Thought getting some of it out would make me feel a bit better, but it didn't. It didn't. For the first time I can remember, I feel like I don't have anything in my life that matters under control. And not control in the manipulative sense. I don't feel like I'm the driver anymore. In other words, things are out of control, spinning faster and faster and what I need right now is for everything to slow the fuck down.

I feel at any moment I could vomit even though I don't have much of anything in me; I've become adept at stuffing that wave back from where it came.

A brief respite from it all with music and too much booze.

Otherwise, nothing is fun anymore. I live to drown out. To zone out. I've given up.

And I feel I've been given up on. Who I thought would be a source of true love and support at this time has all but forsaken me. I am a burden to be around. My presence is a nuisance. I don't know what I can do anymore. The fact that she seemingly just ignores this pain, or acts as though it doesn't concern her much, only seems to magnify its intensity. Nothing is fun anymore. My heart hurts.

As I sit here alone, as I have been for most hours of the day as of late, I can only hope that this is my low. Somehow I sense though that it is not, and that's what frightens me the most. I really don't know how much more by mind and body can take. Life has broken me. I'm leaving my gaming mouse disassembled so that I'll have something to work on tomorrow. Besides sending out another round of resumes while wondering why the last round failed. Again. Like the previous 26.

TL;DR, life is sucking.